Hey there, flapjacks! Today is my birthday. But you didn’t come here to wish me a happy birthday, you came here to dig into another Short Stack review. Unless you came here to listen to me complain about Delores’ terrible service? No? Are you sure? Okay, did you come here so I can tell you how terrible Scary Perry’s moustache is? Oh, I’ve already told you. Really? Maybe I should remind you one more time. Oh, I have… multiple times. Alright, enough stalling, it’s time to unwrap my gift to you then, since you didn’t get me anything. (Just remember, the greatest gift you can give me is to subscribe to the International House of Horror Podcast and TheMadPancaker YouTube Channel.) Since it’s my birthday, and I’m still reviewing horror movies with the word ‘bloody’ in the title, what better time to review Bloody Birthday!
The movie begins with three kids being born on the same day, during a solar eclipse. What could go wrong? Well, fast forward ten years and their birthday fast approaches. But there’s no time for that, because two teenagers are boning in the cemetery. People sure do like to get it on in cemeteries in horror movies for some reason. I guess it could be worse, the guy could be making out with the Tall Man in disguise.
But things do get worse, as they are making out in an empty burial plot, they are attacked by an unseen assailant, with the girl being strangled by a jump rope. (Again, who would want to bang in a giant hole in the ground, rolling around in dirt? Eh, who am I kidding, I wouldn’t say no either.) However, one of the handles of the jump rope broke off and is left at the crime scene, leading Sheriff Brody (very creative guys) to question the school children. The scene focuses a little too much on three stereotypical children in particular: an innocent looking, well mannered, darling blonde girl, a glasses-wearing, dorky brown noser, and the American equivalent of Bob from The House by the Cemetery. What? I honestly can’t think of anything to distinguish this kid’s personality other than he has blonde hear like Bob. Not quite a bowl cut, but similar.
Imagine young Michael Myers with a bowl cut. Wait a minute...
Sure, they act innocent enough, but these three kids are the same three born during the eclipse, which caused them to have no conscience. As a result, they grew up to become our psychotic killers who murdered the teens having premarital sex in the cemetery. Huh, I guess it was a Total Eclipse of the Heart, eh? Musical references aren’t just for the podcast, flapjacks.
The little girl just so happens to be the daughter of the sheriff, and they lure poor Brody outside only to bash his skull in with a baseball bat. However, Timmy, one of their classmates, witnessed the sheriff’s death. The three claim the sheriff slipped on the skateboard left out on the steps and fell. Likely excuse.
Still, Timmy’s a witness, so two of the evil kids lure him to a junkyard to play hide and seek, tricking him into hiding in an old refrigerator like Indiana Jones and lock him inside. He manages to escape and tells his older sister, Joyce, but she isn’t buying it.
The terrifying trio continue their murder spree, knocking off their strict teacher. During one of these scenes, the kid with glasses prowls the suburb streets at night with a revolver but is comically thwarted at every opportunity to shoot someone, akin to Adam West’s Batman trying to get rid of a bomb. He manages to find a couple too busy bumping uglies in the back of a van to be bothered to investigate the noises outside and pay with their lives for their blind lust. Dr. Challis approves.
You'll shoot your eye out, kid.
However, when it comes to our protagonists Timmy and Joyce, these murderous moppets can’t seem to penetrate their plot armor and fail miserably at every attempt to kill them. So, they decide to go with Plan B. The nerdy psychopath acts suspicious during their joint birthday party, making it look like he poisoned their birthday cake. Joyce catches him, and runs outside in a panic, frenziedly knocking cake out of the guests’ hands. But it was a trick, as the evil children try the cake and are perfectly fine.
With Joyce now dismissed as crazy, no one will believe her about the kids being horrible killers with no conscience. Even the police won’t believe her, as the killer trio point out after she saves her brother from another murder attempt. The only one who would possibly believe her is her best friend, who just so happens to be the older sister of the malicious little girl. But she discovers her little sister’s scrapbook collecting newspaper clippings of all their murders and the kids punish her wandering eyes Fulci style by shooting an arrow through one of them. The Italian director would be proud.
There's even a peephole like Porky's and she charges kids to watch her sister undress. Hurry up you little brats! Peewee and I want our turn to stare at some breasts!
Finally, the girl asks Joyce if she can babysitter her, but it’s all a ploy to lure her and her brother into her house, where she can then arm the security system, trapping them inside with her and her malevolent birthday besties. I didn’t know they made security systems that sophisticated for homes in the eighties. Add to that, that the windows are bullet proof (Sheriff Broody must have been very paranoid) and there is no escape from the frightful children. Will her and her brother be able to survive the night and put a stop to the children’s killing spree?
Bloody Birthday is a fun, solid, and entertaining slasher. It's well paced and there are plenty of suspenseful scenes, although it feels like our sister and brother protagonists are protected by a thick layer of impenetrable plot armor that never made me feel like they were in any danger of being killed. The score is well done and hits all the proper notes to match the scenes, but it is nothing memorable, even though two parts in particular sound eerily similar to memorable pieces from Friday the 13th and Psycho. And while the gore is pretty tame compared to many spectacular effects work of other 80s horror films, the effects are still quite respectable, providing just enough to whet my appetite. Which is more than can be said about the service in this lousy excuse for a pancake joint. Overall, I enjoyed Bloody Birthday, even if it’s just good and not great. Kind of like every birthday after you turn twenty-one, am I right?
Seriously though, why did Timmy continue to hang out with these three kids after they trapped him in the refrigerator? Granted, I can’t criticize him too much considering I keep coming back to this dump and hanging out with the man with the world’s worst moustache, Scary Perry. Come to think of it, Scary Perry and Delores share a birthday. And weren’t they born during an eclipse too? That would certainly explain a lot. Now if you’ll excuse me flapjacks, I’ll take that as my cue to exit before they both snap, try to kill me, and mix my remains into the next batch of pancake batter.
Overall Rating: 3 Pancakes