Welcome back to another one of this year’s “bloody” Short Stacks, flapjacks! It’s been a busy couple of months, but here we are in October and I knew I had to serve up another scrumptious horror review for all of you to enjoy. Lord knows Delores isn’t going to serve you anything, and Scary Perry is currently going through The Stuff withdrawals, but don’t worry, I’ll take care of your ravenous appetite for gore with this review of the slasher, Bloody Murder! Is it a bloody delight, or so bloody awful I should have reviewed it for Awful August? Let’s dig in and find out! (Spoiler: I was supposed to write this review for Awful August. Fair warning.)
First off, we’re greeted by the Filmrise logo and a 4:3 aspect ratio, not a promising start. Granted, I don’t know if this was a direct to video release and thus wouldn’t have a widescreen ratio, but still, I don’t see too many Filmrise releases with impressive picture quality on Tubi, so I’m still holding it against it. What, you expect me to look up release information for this movie? If you want Fun Fake Facts, that’s Scary Perry’s job, not mine.
Anyways, we open with a stereotypical car runs out of gas scenario, and the couple inside stop and ask for help from Ali Express Jason Voorhees. But it turns out this is just a story told while on their way to camp by a bunch of… teens? College kids? Honestly, I didn’t know we were still casting twenty to thirty somethings in younger roles in 2000. They are camp counselors on their way to ready the summer camp for the kids who are arriving in a few weeks. Gee, where have I heard this story before? The killer in the story is Trevor Moorhouse, and one of them brings along a dollar store hockey mask to scare the kids. Right, I’m sure that’s what it’s for.
This is what you get when you order Jason Voorhees from Wish.
Honestly, these are some of the most boring characters and introductions I’ve seen in horror movies. I joke about not needing super deep or developed characters in order to like them, but these characters’ personalities are flatter than paper. The terrible line reading and wooden acting of the cast doesn’t help matters. And two of the characters are named Jason and Tobe. Real subtle references.
So knock off Crazy Ralph shows up and warns them about Nelson. Ali Express must have had a 2 for 1 special on knock off characters from better slasher flicks. And who the heck is this Nelson guy? He hasn’t been mentioned yet. Am I invested enough in this story to care and wait with bated breath for the reveal? Not a chance.
Look buddy, I'm just trying to change my flat tire so I can drive as far away from this movie as possible and hopefully never have to watch it again.
At an evening bonfire, they play a game called Bloody Murder, which is just a lame game and excuse for even lamer and obvious jump scares. After thirty minutes, someone finally dies outside of the opening story, ant the killer begins to slowly, and let me emphasize the word slowly, stalk and eliminate the rest of the counselors. However, they have lawn darts at this camp, so are we sure these counselors aren’t just accidentally killing themselves?
Everyone thinks it’s Jason, but just like the other Jason and the Friday the 13th franchise lately, he’s missing. The final girl who’s piecing together the mystery of everything, suspects that perhaps her roommate did it, but she’s wrong. And I normally avoid spoiling endings in these blog reviews, but I’m going to save you the trouble of having to suffer through this movie. The killer is actually Partick. Oh my God! He still lives! Jokes aside, he is actually the Nelson that bargain bin Crazy Ralph warned about. Again, I didn’t bother paying enough attention to the boring backstory to understand the motive, because I don’t care. I just want someone to open the Lament Configuration and put me out of my misery, or the film to end, whichever is least painful. My bet is probably the Lament Configuration.
While in slasher movies, the killer often hunts down sinners: those having premarital sex, doing drugs and/or drinking, etc. Well, this movie commits the ultimate movie sin of being bland and boring. The acting is more wooden than the trees in the surrounding camp woods and the characters are uninteresting. The music is suspenseful at times, except there is nothing suspenseful or exciting happening in the scene to justify it. Top it all off with some of the worst dummy drops ever. Hey, I love a terrible dummy/mannequin drop, but these make the one in Shocking Dark look like masterful special effects. My guess is these were the black sheep of Andrew McCarthy and Kim Cattrall’s extended family.
The biggest problem with this film is it doesn’t know if it wants to be a straight horror film or a slasher spoof. It doesn’t lean hard enough into the comedy to be a parody, which is ironic considering how much it rips off Friday the 13th, and it doesn’t take itself serious enough to be a legitimate horror/slasher film. When I tell you this turd is worse than C.H.U.D., you know it’s bad. Bloody Murder? More like Bowel Movement. I won’t give it a zero, as I reserve that for films I absolutely revile, and maybe you could squeeze some entertainment out of it by having a bad movie night with friends. Plus, maybe lawn darts will make a comeback. What could possibly go wrong? It certainly couldn’t be any worse than watching this garbage.
I need to find something to rinse the awful taste of this movie out of my mouth. Why did I have to choose to review movies with “Bloody” in the title and not the word “Blood.” Do you know how many greats horror movies have the word “blood” in the title? Delores will just serve me some terrible slop, and I’m not about to head over to that gas station and become a The Stuff addict like Scary Perry. Where can I find some decent grub and reliable help? I’ll catch you later, flapjacks.
Overall Rating: 1 Pancake
