It’s February again, Flapjacks, which means Valentine’s Day is here. Unfortunately, I’m still single, so thank goodness there are a few Valentine themed slashers to keep me company instead. Now I did a brief video review of the original My Bloody Valentine (1981) for Quick Cakes on YouTube before I knew what the hell I was doing with that series, so I guess that means it’s time to dig in to the remake, My Bloody Valentine 3D (2009). (Note: I’m switching the focus of Quick Cakes to focus on reviewing modern horror films that I watch.) While I typically stayed away from a lot of horror from this era, I need to broaden my tastes and give some of these films a chance. And hey, I’ll gladly watch anything with Tom Atkins in it, so how bad could it be? I will say that the version I watched was the 2D DVD, so I couldn’t appreciate the 3D effects as intended but it doesn’t affect my opinion of the film.
Why yes, I do heart Tom Atkins. Almost as much as Victoria Justice. Almost...
The backstory for the remake is similar to the original but with some major changes. The movie opens with some CGI 3D newspapers dumping exposition on us revealing that Harry Warden was trapped in a mine due to an explosion that caused a cave in and was the sole survive. Okay, so far, so good. However, this time around he killed the other miners to conserve air for himself. Once found, he’s taken to the hospital and is in a coma. Flashforward, and he wakes from his coma and massacres the hospital staff and leaves. Where is he headed? Where is any slasher villain going? To brutally murder teenagers of course!
He makes his way back to the mine where there just so happens to be a bunch of “teenagers” having a party in the mine. And it just so happens that the mine owner’s son, Tom (not to be confused with Tom Atkins), who accidentally caused the explosion due to negligence is there too! Harry Warden pickaxes his way through the teens, nearly killing Tom while his friends and girlfriend escape. Sheriff Tom Atkins and the rest of the cavalry arrive to save the day, shooting Harry and pursue him deeper into the mine.
Nothing says cinematic excellence like shoving things toward the camera in 3D! Solid effect though.
Harry’s presumed dead and we jump ten years into the future. Apparently, Tom left town but now he’s back after his father passed away and he inherited the mine. He plans on selling it, which doesn’t sit too well with the locals, fearing that they will be laid off by the new owners. Coincidentally, someone dressed up in the miner getup starts killing people who survived Harry Warden’s rampage. Has Harry Warden returned from the grave to finish what he started and exact his revenge? Of course not. The filmmakers didn’t have enough heart to try that twist. (Don’t worry Delores. I’ll see myself out once I’m done making bad puns.)
Tom Atkins retired as Sheriff, so it’s up to the new sheriff, Axel, to try and discover who is masquerading as the killer miner. Plus, he’s now married to Tom not Atkin’s ex, so add this Bizarre Love Triangle to the mix. However, he’s also cheating on her with a woman that works at his wife’s grocery store. Yeah, the dude is an unlikeable scumbag, and the movie tries really hard to sell the red herring here, but it’s pretty obvious who the killer is.
The miner continues going on a rampage, picking off most of the ancillary characters. Unfortunately, this includes Tom Atkins. While he was great in his role as always, he doesn’t get enough screen time and the miner kills him with terrible CGI. Eventually, we had back to a climactic showdown in the mine with the reveal of the killer’s identity, complete with flashbacks explaining what really happened. Will the remaining survivors put an end to the miner’s killing spree?
Dr. Challis deserved better than the terrible CG/3D jaw fling that is about to happen.
Overall, this is a solid remake, although it’s nothing fancy and feels like any other 2000’s slasher. The effects work is solid, but like many films of this era the CGI does not hold up well. They really play to the 3D gimmick with a lot of stuff thrown and thrust toward the screen, but that stuff has never bothered me watching 3D movies in regular 2D. (Look, the kid holding the bat toward the camera in Friday the 13th 3D is cinematic gold and you cannot tell me otherwise.) There is only one scene of gratuitous nudity, but it is amazing with a woman running around completely naked for over five minutes. And I do mean completely. (The carpet matches the drapes, if you catch my drift.) As for the score, it is nothing remarkably, sounding like the generic score to any other modern-day thriller. The remake utilizes the Valetine theme to good effect like the original, however the mine location is only used at the beginning and the end, which is a shame as the unique locale helped make the original unique. Most of the action takes place around town. You could honestly swap the miner for Michael Myers and no one would know the difference. Finally, the twist is predictable and relies too heavily on the “unreliable narrator” trope, which the film doesn’t set up well considering we aren’t exclusively following that character for most of the movie.
It sounds like I have a bone to pickaxe with My Bloody Valentine 3D. Despite my criticisms, I did enjoy. It may not be as good as the original and is pretty generic, but it’s good for mixing up your Valentines horror experience now and then and worth a watch. Kind of like if your first choice for a Valentine’s date falls through, you always have My Bloody Valentine 3D as a backup date, just in case.
Despite sequel bating hard, this remake still couldn’t receive a sequel, just like I can’t receive a refill for my Pepsi from Delores. She just looking at Scary Perry through the window at the gas station across the street waiting to use the bathroom. She even left one of those heart shaped boxes on the table addressed to him. In fact, it looks kind of soggy and there’s some red goo leaking out. Look, I’ve seen both My Bloody Valentine’s and know where this is going. That’s my que to exit. Later, Flapjacks!
Overall Rating: 3 Pancakes
