Welcome back, flapjacks! I’m glad you can join me here at the International House of Horror as I wait for Scary Perry to get inside so we can record the next episode of the podcast. The gas station next door is just starting construction, so he’s been a little distracted as of late. Also, he’s been sneaking into their portable bathroom and I’m pretty sure he’s in there right now. Sigh. He really goes out of his way to avoid the atrocity of a bathroom here. If only he had a copy of J-Bones’ skeleton key to the secret deluxe bathroom here like me. (Let’s keep that secret between you and me.) But I digress.
Anyways, it’s time for me to serve up another Short Stack for all of you. Which trust me, is the only short stack you’re going to be served today as Delores is nowhere to be found. My pancakes are sitting there on the counter getting cold. J-Bones really needs to get some better (and sexier) waitresses.
Speaking of sexy, I’m digging into Dario Piana’s 1988 giallo Too Beautiful to Die (Sotto il Vestito Niente II), an in-name only sequel to 1985’s Nothing Underneath (Sotto il Vestito Niente). The movie begins in Milan with a bunch of lovely models and dancers who have been working on a music video together going to a party hosted by Italian Harvey Weinstein. What could possibly go wrong? They all ditch their clothes and climb into a hot tube. However, this has all been an elaborate setup, as Italian Weinstein wants to do the hunka chunka with the newest model, Sylvia, so he “Weinsteins” her while the other three girls hold her down. She storms off past a guy who works for the agency and also operates as Italian Weinstein’s “fixer.” For some reason, he is playing an Atari-style porn game on his computer. That’s not important to the story, but it’s quite comical to watch. She takes his car and speeds off into the night.
Before the internet, this is what men had to masturbate to in the 80s.
However, the next day she isn’t at the music video shoot for the latest Frankie Goes to Hollywood song (I couldn’t make that up if I wanted to), and the police inform the models, fixer, and director that Sylvie was found dead and burned to a crisp along with the car on the road just a little down the way from the party mansion. But this event happened four hours after she left the party, and later through forensics it was discovered that the actual cause of death was a bullet to her head. BUM, BUM, BUM!!!
Relax, don't do it, when you want to sock it to it...
Well, there’s no time to worry about that, we have a music video to make! So the director replaces Sylvia with his new obsession, Melanie and production continues. But one of the models is killed during filming after being placed in a prop iron maiden that had been sabotaged to have a real spike pierce her throat. Harvino Weinsteino is found dead, and the fancy steel blades used for the shoot have gone missing. (Why is a music video using real blades instead of props, you ask? Because reasons.) Someone knows about Sylvia’s rape and is now hunting down the conspirators one-by-one. But who killed Sylvia to begin with? And if it is the same killer, why kill Sylvia and exact revenge for her? And what secrets is the new model Melanie hiding?
These women clearly are "too beautiful to die" but they do. "You mean the movie lied?!"
Too Beautiful to Die, to borrow from the title, is a beautiful giallo with stunning visual, set pieces, and cinematography with excellent use of color typical of the better gialli in the genre. It does start off a little slow with not a lot happening after Sylvia’s initial murder as we get sidetracked with music videos and a montage of Melanie befriending one of the other models. However, these scenes are still quite engaging and I marvel at the spectacle of them. And it stays just as engaging when the action ramps up with some fantastic giallo chase scenes and murders in the second half. Sure, some of the first half kills are lackluster, as Italian Weinstein is killed offscreen and you only see the black and white police photos of the carnage, but the style of the later murders makes up for this. It certainly isn’t a very gory film, but it makes up for that with some solid suspense and an intriguing mystery, culminating in an excellent twist with a great red herring. There’s plenty of T&A, which is always a plus in my book, and this film oozes with sleaze also typical of the genre and I love it. The score is great too, with some clear Psycho inspirations at times (as they say, steal from the best) and several licensed songs from noteworthy 80s bands including the aforementioned Frankie Goes to Hollywood, Toto, and Huey Lewis and the News. (You should ask Scary Perry sometime if he likes Huey Lewis and the News as much as he likes Dick.)
Nothing says "Giallo" like a wacky 80s friendship montage.
Now I’ve certainly read many reviews criticizing this film as “all style and no substance” with a weak to no plot. To counter the latter, the nonsensical plot of Italian horror films in general is part of the charm and an acquired taste for sure, but this film actually has a surprisingly solid and simple plot going for it: someone is killing off all those involved in Sylvia’s rape. It’s clear who the targets are and why, and we see them try and figure out who is after them. (Granted, that means that most of the characters in this movie are scumbags, but then again, that isn’t unusual for gialli.) Of course, this would contradict the “no substance” claim as well, but for many gialli the style IS the substance, and that is definitely the case here with the film’s fantastic flair. I watch this genre and many other horror films for the spectacle. And Too Beautiful to Die’s is a spectacle to behold which enthralled me throughout. It’s a giallo masterpiece and deserves the full Five Pancakes covered in all the sleazy syrup.
Well, I guess I should go find Scary Perry over at the gas station construction site so we can record this podcast… oh, wait. There’s Delores outside now. What is she doing out there instead of waiting on me in here? Oh no. She’s heading over to the porta-potty. OH GOD! She just kicked over the porta-potty Scary Perry was in! Oh geez, some stuff is starting to leak out of it, and I’m not talking about “The Stuff,” although that wouldn’t be surprising given Scary Perry’s diet. Welp, it doesn’t look like we’re recording today or getting my short stack. It looks like that’s my que to exit. You would think I would try to help, but Scary Perry’s on his own in “Shit City” over there.
Overall Rating: 5 Pancakes with Syrup
